Country Joe's Place

More Fixin' to Die in Kosovo

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Versions of "Fixin'-to-Die" about the current conflict in the Balkans have been pouring in.

o Gary and Doris Geist were the first with this one:


Come on all you big strong men,
Uncle Bill needs your help again.
He's got himself in a terrible jam
Selling technology to Chinese again
So "Wag the Dog" has just begun,
We're gonna have a whole lotta fun.

Chorus:
And it's 1, 2, 3,
What are we bombing for?
Don't ask me, cause I don't know,
Next stop is Kosovo;
And it's 5, 6, 7
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.

o Followed by this one from Bob in Montreal:
Well come on all you big stong men,
Uncle Sam needs your help again
He's got himself in a big no-no,
way down yonder in Kosovo,
Put down your books and pick up a gun
gonna have a whole lotta fun!

And it's 1-2-3
what are we fighting 4?
don't ask me, I really don't know.
Next stop is Kosovo.
And it's 5-6-7
open up the pearly gates,
weeell their ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopie we're all gonna die!

o Multimedia designer Chip Buchanan sends this version:

1.
Come on all of you big strong men
Uncle Sam needs your help again
got himself a new imbroglio
way down yonder in Kosovo

Put down the mouse,
pick up the gun, we're
gonna have a whole lot of fun

CHORUS
And it's one two three --
What are we fightin' for?
Don't ask me, I don't really know --
Next stop is Kosovo

And it's five six seven,
ratchet up the interest rate!
Well there ain't no time to wonder why --
Whoopie! We're all gonna die

2.
Come on mothers, I gotta warn ya --
send your boys off to Macedonia!
Come on fathers, don't hesitate
get your sons there before it's too late
you can be the first on the green to brag
and have your boy come home in a bag

Come on Generals, it's no sin
just like Iraq on CNN --
never fret that you're to blame
this here's one big video game!

Come on, Wall Street, don't move slow
I declare this war an IPO!
Plenty good money to be made
making bombs and missiles to hit Belgrade
Let's go crazy and grab the wealth--
has anyone seen my Stealth?

o Stan Mead modernized the Rag like this:

Now come on people don't move slow,
Leave them houses in Kosovo,
Slo-bo-dan is his first name,
And ethnic cleansing is his campaign,
Mi-lo-sevic has got a mob,
And now their killin down in Yugoslav.

Now it's one, two, three,
What are we bombing for? (Woopie!)
Bombing tanks with our WartHog,
We're there just a "Wagging the Dog,"

And it's five, six, seven,
Forget them "conspiracy gates",
Well, there ain't no time to wonder why,
Woopie, bombs are gonna fly.

Now come on boys... you must go...
Way off yonder to Kosovo
Uncle Sam's a running his campaigns,
Dropping bombs on the Serb-i-ans,
Put down your books and join NATO,
It's gonna be a really big show.

Now it's one, two, three,
What are we bombing for? (Woopie!)
Bombing tanks with our WartHog,
We're there just a "Wagging the Dog,"

And it's five, six, seven,
Forget them "conspiracy gates",
Well, there ain't no use to ask Clinton why?
Woopie, he's just a gonna lie.

Now come on pilots thru-out the land,
Stop your bombing in Kurdistan,
There's plenty good bombing to be made,
So let's get a going and bomb Belgrade,
I hope them Russians don't make a fuss,
Now that their missiles are aiming at us.

Now it's one, two, three,
What are we bombing for? (Woopie!)
Bombing tanks with our WartHog,
We're there just a "Wagging the Dog,"

And it's five, six, seven,
Forget them "conspiracy gates",
Well, there ain't no use to ask Clinton why?
Woopie, he's just a gonna lie.

o Gary C. Kaluzny is going to add this verse to the original Rag at a Libertarian Party fundraiser.


Now come on all o' you men and women,
ol' Bill Clinton's got my head a swimmin'.
He's gettin' us in a terrible row,
Way o'er yonder in Kosovo.
So throw down your cellphones and pick up a gun,
We're gonna have a whole lotta fun!

And it's one, two, three, what are we fightin' for?
Don't ask me 'cause I don't know, next stop is Kosovo!
And it's five," (etc.)

o Richard Johnson says, "Come on -- record a new record."

Come all you people, don't you know,
There's a great new war in Kosovo -
With bombs and flares by Uncle Sam -
It's lots more fun than Vietnam.

No risk to us - we'll never meet -
We'll bomb from sixteen thousand feet.
No need for blood: no need for gore -
This is a high-tech US war.

Better than films on your TV,
Or 3D games on your PC.
Bomb those Serbs, and watch 'em die -
You'll make the grade - your score is high.

Serb's eat babies -- their blood's black,
Rape Belgian nuns, and rodger cats -
It's funny, I'd have sworn my life,
That was the 'Kong, in 65.

They grind up bodies to make glue -
Don't even walk like me and you -
Tell you something - true I swear,
There's little horns beneath their hair.

o Joe Egles writes, "Hey Joe, as an ex (still?) hippie-anti-war-nut I just can't sit still and see it all happen again. With just my minor changes "THE RAG" is all fueled up and ready to go":

Yeah, come on all of you, big strong men,
Uncle Sam needs your help again.
He's got himself in a terrible row
Way down yonder in Kosovo.
So put down your books and pick up a gun,
We're gonna have a whole lot of fun.

And its one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, 'cuz I don't know,
Next stop is Kosovo;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopie! we're all gonna die.

Well, come on generals, lets move fast;
Your big chance has come at last.
Gotta go out and sling some lead--
The only good Serbie is the one who's dead
And you know that peace can only be won
When we've blown 'em all to kingdom come.

And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, 'cuz I don't know,
Next stop is Kosovo;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopie! we're all gonna die.

Well, come on Wall Street, don't move slow,
Why man, this is war au-go-go.
There's plenty of good money to be made
By supplying the Army with the tools of the trade,
Just hope and pray that if they drop the bomb,
They won't drop it on your mom.

And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, 'cuz I don't know,
Next stop is Kosovo;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopie! we're all gonna die.

Well, come on mothers, don't be slow,
Pack your boys off to Kosovo.
Come on fathers, don't hesitate,
Send 'em off before it's too late.
Be the first one on your block
To have your boy come home in a box.

And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, 'cuz I don't know,
Next stop is Kosovo;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopie! we're all gonna die.

o Gersh Kuntzman wrote this column, which appeared in the New York Post on Monday, April 19.


GERSH

With President Clinton about to call up the reserves for the Balkan War, the Gnome made his own call -- to Joe McDonald.

Who? Maybe you know him better by the name "Country" Joe McDonald. Back in the `60s, with his irrepressible band, "The Fish," Joe McDonald was the jester laureate of the anti-Vietnam War generation.

His seminal protest song, "I-Feel-Like-I'm-Fixin'-to-Die Rag" with its famous chorus, "One, two, three/What are we fightin' for?/Don't ask me, I don't give a damn/Next stop is Vietnam" became not just a rallying cry against an unwinnable war, but an elegy to the insanity of all armed conflict.

So with the war in Kosovo escalating and casualties mounting the very combination that chipped away at America's support for the war in Indochina -- the Gnome found the aging Hippie eager as ever to let his freak flag fly.

And guess what? "Country Joe" can't stand what we're doing in Yugoslavia.

"Stop the bombing immediately," he screamed by phone from his home in Berkeley (where else?), where he still plays at the occasional public radio or hemp-advocacy rally.

With one question, McDonald was off to the races, slamming everyone from Sec. of State Madeleine Albright ("Have you noticed she's wearing more makeup?") to Demi Moore ("G.I. Jane was a piece of garbage!") -- giving The Gnome little opportunity for follow-up questions. When "Country" Joe McDonald is on a rant, it's best to just keep typing and delete the expletives later.

"Bill Clinton is a traitor to his generation, a liar and an a--hole," the 57-year-old McDonald said about his fellow Baby Boomer.

To McDonald, Bill Clinton heard the slogan "Make love, not War" and thought it only applied when Hillary's not in town.

"Bill Clinton didn't inhale, so he doesn't understand the 60s. He's a fake."

But when pressed for a real solution to the Serbian genocide, McDonald, who served in the Navy from 1959-62, reached back into his tie-dyed backpack and pulled out a prescription for better communication and expanded consciousness.

"I would talk. I mean really talk. Fight without weapons. Scream at each other, if you have to. Send the military home and let the lawyers and the shrinks take over."

McDonald was reminded that NATO has already talked to Slobodan Milosevic with little result.

"That's like saying, two people are in an argument and after a while one of them hauls off and smacks the other in the head. The one who did the hitting will say, 'We talked, but it didn't work, so I hit him.' That's NATO. That s--t don't work anymore!"

"Lookit. They used to think the world was flat, but when they learned that it was round, they threw out the old maps and made new maps. That's what the 60s were all about, learning that the world wasn't flat, accepting it, and making new maps."

So with my apologies to Country Joe, here's an updated version of the "Rag."

"I-Feel-Like-I'm-Fixin'-to-Die Rag" (Kosovo Version)

Come on all of you big strong men
Uncle Bill needs your help again
Started another imbroglio
In a little region called Kosovo
So sell your mutual fund and pick up a gun
You're gonna have a whole lot of fun

Chorus
(And it's one, two, three)
What are we fightin' for?
Don't ask me I don't really know
Next stop is Kosovo
(And it's five, six, seven)
Yeltsin may take the bait
It's World War III up in the sky
Whoopie, we're all gonna die

Come on generals, Albright's beaus.
She wants blood and she won't take no
Gotta go out and get those Serbs
The only good village is the one that's burned
You know that war is the only course
So let's kill 'em back to the peace talks.

[Chorus]

Come on Wall Street, the Dow's still high
And it's going up higher, my oh my
'Cause ev'ry bomb dropped on Belgrade
Means one more big bomb must be made
Just hope and pray that the refugees
Don't get in the way of our M-80s

[Chorus]

Come on mothers, far and near
Pack your boys, don't have no fear
Come on fathers, to prop up Bill
Send your girls off and let 'em kill.
You can be the first one on your block
To have your kid come home in a box.

[Chorus]

o Bill Feeney sends the latest version along:

I-FEEL-LIKE-I'M FIXIN'-TO-DIE-RAG (BALKANS RAG)

Come on all of you big strong men,
Bill Clinton needs your help again.
He's got himself in a terrible fix
Over in the Balkan conflicts
So put down your books and pick up a gun,
We're gonna have a whole lotta fun.

[Chorus:] And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop - Balkans jam;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die. [End Chorus]

Come on liberals, send 'em fast;
Your big chance has come at last.
Gotta send our military to be bled
The good war has a draft dodger at its head
You know that peace can only be won
When U.S. is under UN thumb

[Chorus:] And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop - Balkans jam;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die. [End Chorus]

Come journalists, don't move slow,
Why man, this is war au-go-go.
There's plenty good ratings to be made
Showing our military in Balkans' war betrayed
Clinton sends our troops after meat axe cuts
As he's on the greens hitting putts.

[Chorus:] And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop - Balkans jam;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die. [End Chorus]

Come on liberals from the land,
Send troops to Balkans jam
Come on media, don't you wait
Help send ground troops before it's too late.
Just televise all bloody Serb acts
Don't show the KLA bloody hacks

[Chorus:] And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop - Balkans jam;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die. [End Chorus]

Come on Clinton cut troop strength more
Then send 'em to another war
Keep your Chinese bucks out of the news
Stolen nuke and missile secrets can't give Bill the blues
Not when his press friends for him play whore
Can't let voters get mad at Gore

[Chorus:] And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop - Balkans jam;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die. [End Chorus]

o Alan Gray joins the chorus with this:


Well it's one - two - three what are we fightin' for?
Don't ask me I really don't know
My next stop is Kosovo
It's five - six - seven give me that video game
here's a real gun, so go have some fun,
their gonna kick you out of a plane

You took my brother in Vietnam
So take my kids now and do the same
As long as I can stay fat and rich
let's kill that guy named Milosovich
But we can't cut trees so the casualties, will have to be dumped in
a ditch.

And it's one - two - three what are we fightin' for?
Don't ask me I really can't say
Where is Albania anyway?
And it's five - six - seven give me that video game
You can play all day with a head's up display
cause those fighters got a mighty long range

Come on mothers you know the plan
we gotta go kill ol' Slobodan
Don't worry fathers you won't be late
this ain't like in ol' Kuwait
We need a few good men 'cause Bill got caught
with his pants down again.

o Version #12 from John Economides:

Gimme an B!
B!
Gimme an I!
I!
Gimme an L!
L!
Gimme an L!
L!
What's that spell ?
BILL!
What's that spell ?
BILL!
What's that spell ?
BILL!

Yeah, come on all of you, big strong men,
Uncle Sam needs your help again.
He's got himself in a terrible woe
Way over yonder in Kosovo
So put down your books and pick up a gun,
We're gonna have a whole lotta fun.

And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for ?
Don't ask me, I don't know,
Next stop is Kosovo;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.

Well, come on generals, let's move fast;
Your big chance has come at last.
Gotta go out and get those Serbs -
Because they?re getting on our nerves
And you know that peace can only be won
When we've blown 'em all to kingdom come.

And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for ?
Don't ask me, I don't know,
Next stop is Kosovo;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.

Huh!

Well, come on politicians with something to hide,
Your shell game wonít be noticed with all eyes turned aside.
Thereís plenty of distraction to go around,
You can hide the biggest scandal in the ground.
Just hope and pray as the body count rises,
That the voters donít unmask your disguises.

And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for ?
Don't ask me, I don't know,
Next stop is Kosovo.
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.

Well, come on mothers in the know,
Pack your boys off to Kosovo.
Come on fathers, don't hesitate,
Send off your daughters before it's too late.
Be the first one on your block
To have your kid come home in a box.

And it's one, two, three
What are we fighting for ?
Don't ask me, I don't know,
Next stop is Kosovo.
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.

o As the NATO occupation dragged on, Nancy Hey wrote: "I just wanted to submit my own version as a possibility to sing on March 24th [2000], the anniversary of the NATO bombing."

Yeah, come on all you macho men
Uncle Sam needs your help again.
Heís having some trouble, donít you know
With those darned Serbs in Kosovo
So put down your beer and go enlist
Give Clinton his adrenaline fix

Now itís 1,2,3 What are we fighting for?
NATOís credibility you know?
Next stop is Kosovo
And itís 5,6,7 Open up the Pearly Gates
Thereís no need to wonder why
Only Serbs are going to die.

Well, come on generals, donít be slow
Show off your weapons and earn lotsa dough
Use Ďem all, and donít hold back
Use DU like ya did in Iraq
Only way the Serbs will capitulate
Is if you make their children radiate

Now itís 1,2,3 What are we fighting for?
Clintonís image donít you know?
Next stop is Kosovo
And itís 5,6,7 Open up the Pearly Gates
Thereís no need to wonder why
Whoopee! Serbs are going to die.

Now come on Albright, Secretary of State
The price is worth it! Vent your hate!
The Serbs saved you father in WWII
But thatís not good enough for you
Cause Clintonís praise can only be won
When youíve blown Ďem all to Kingdom Come

Now itís 1,2,3 What are we fighting for?
CNN says we gotta go
Save Albanians in Kosovo
And itís 5,6,7 Open up the Pearly Gates
Thereís no need to wonder why
Whoopee! Serbs are going to die.

Well, come on Wall Street, donít be slow
War is good for business you know
Thereís plenty of good money to be made
By supplying the KLA with the tools of the trade
And when they cleanse the Serbs from Kosovo
You can simply say you didnít know

Now itís 1,2,3 What are we fighting for?
Corporate profits donít you know?
Next stop is Kosovo
And itís 5,6,7 Open up the Pearly Gates
Thereís no need to wonder why
Whoopee! Serbs are going to die.

Well, come on mothers, honor the deal
Pack your sons off to Camp Bondsteel
Come on fathers, take it well
Send your daughters to the Citadel
Be the first one in your group
To have your kid in the KFOR troops

Now itís 1,2,3 What are we fighting for?
Itís The New World Order you know?
Next stop is Kosovo
And itís 5,6,7 Open up the Pearly Gates
Thereís no need to wonder why
Whoopee! Serbs are going to die.

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