Fixin' to Die in Afghanistan

Hey Joe, you are the coolest guy on the planet, and I think you have some of the most innovative ways of expressin' yerself today! Keep on rockin' in the free world! And don't be fixin'-to-die anytime soon =)

I Feel Like I'm-A Fixin' To Scud Rag
(with apologies to Country Joe & The Fish)

Yeah come on you all-Americans
Uncle Sam's pissed off the world again
Got himself in a terrible jam
By fightin' off more then Afghanistan
So put down yer flags and grab a gun
We're gonna shoot the terrorists to Kingdom come!
And it's 1, 2, 3
Just who's in this war?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn
It's worse then Vietnam
And it's 5, 6, 7
Open up the pearly gates!
Well there ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! We're all gonna die!
Seems we're in care of a Fortunate Son
he's got Osamay Bin Laden on the run
Hidin' down in a cave with Dick Cheney
While Rumsfield takes us back to '43
But you know if there's a button to push
Ya can blame the younger Bush!
And it's 1,2,3
Just HOW do we fight this war?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn.
This ain't no Vietnam
And it's 5, 6,7
Open up the pearly gates!
Well there ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! We're all gonna die!
Terrorism in the US today
The IRS & The CIA?
Maybe the real enemy
Is American Foreign Policy!
Just hope and pray that if they drop the bomb
they drop it on Enron!
And it's 1,2,3
Just who's in this war?
Don't ask me I don't give a damn
Next stop is India & Pakistan
And it's 5,6,7
Open up the pearly gates!
Well there ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! We're all gonna die!
Now folks I ain't saying what
Happened was right
I cried that day with all my might
But it seems Dubya has gotten a taste for blood
wants to nuke the "axis" into the mud
Thanks to him you can be first on your block
To have your house blown to a box!
And it's 1,2,3
Just where do we fight this war?
Don't ask me I don't give a damn
Next stop is Saddam
And it's 5,6,7
Open up the pearly gates!
Well there ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee we're all gonna die!

From William Tong, March 5, 2002:

Hi, Country Joe: I came across your excellent web site and saw that you had posted new versions of your classic "Fixin' To Die Rag." Here is a parody version that I wrote this past October, slamming Bush, the USA PATRIOT law, and the Afghan War. Hope you enjoy and will add the lyrics to your update page. Visit my political song parodies web site, The Boot Newt Sing Along Page, Political Karaoke: Over 1,200 anti-GOP song parodies.

"The Bush Jeer and Dubya Is Fixing-A-Lie Rag"
[Bush/Afghanistan update)
Parody by Bill Tong

Gimme a B! (B!)
Gimme a U! (U!)
Gimme an S! (S!)
Gimme an H! (H!)
What's that spell? (BUSH!)
What's that spell? (BUSH!)
What's that SMELL? (BUSH!)
(music begins)

Yeah, look at W. and his hench men.
Uncle Dick has to help again.
He's going after a terrible man
Named bin Laden in Afghanistan.
While looking for crooks, to see what was done
Bush wants to just shut up everyone.

(Chorus:)
And it's 1, 2, 3, 4...
Who are they looking for?
Bin Laden and the Taliban.
Bombs drop in Afghanistan.
And it's 5, 6, 7, 8...
Setting up a police state.
Well, it ain't no use to ask Bush why.
Ari... is just gonna lie!

Attorney General's moving fast.
Our freedoms now may not last.
Informed dissent is what he dreads.
He won't stop 'til our Bill of Rights is dead.
Their "War on Terror" can only be "won"
If they silence us before they're done.

And it's 1, 2, 3, 4...
Who are they looking for?
Bin Laden and the Taliban.
Bombs drop in Afghanistan.
And it's 5, 6, 7, 8...
Setting up a police state.
Well, it ain't no use to ask Bush why.
Ari... is just gonna lie!

Duh!

The crooks on Wall Street don't move slow.
They got huge tax breaks, even though
There's plenty of money to be made
They're relying on Star Wars, and more weapons trade.
Just hope and pray for our country, so
The Bush Gang will be forced to go.

And it's 1, 2, 3, 4...
Who are they looking for?
Bin Laden and the Taliban.
Bombs drop in Afghanistan.
And it's 5, 6, 7, 8...
Setting up a police state.
Well, it ain't no use to ask Bush why.
Ari... is just gonna lie!

New Big Brother now rules our land.
'Cause "there's war in Afghanistan."
Can't be bothered by new debate.
They dust off their new police state.
Be a sheep in Bush's flock.
Prop up Bush Boy, in case he gets mocked.

And it's 1, 2, 3, 4...
Who are they looking for?
Bin Laden and the Taliban.
Bombs drop in Afghanistan.
And it's 5, 6, 7, 8...
Setting up a police state.
Well, it ain't no use to ask Bush why.
Ari... is just gonna lie!

From Steven Bullock of Stirling, Scotland, February 6, 2002:

Hey Joe,
I hope you don't mind, but I've updated Fixin' to Die Rag (as I'm sure many people have) and it's being played regularly in a wee town called Stirling in central Scotland. I was worried that the few Americans that come to my regular acoustic night might be a bit offended, but they weren't at all, which just goes to show that my prejudice was wrong, as they all are. Anyway, I thought you might like to see the new lyrics. It changes every week or so according to events, so the last verse and new chorus were performed for the first time last night. Thanks for a tremendous song that captures this time as well as it captured 1969.

1:
Come on all of you big strong men,
Uncle Sam needs your help again.
He's got himself in a terrible jam
Way down yonder in Afghanistan
So put down your books and pick up a gun,
We're gonna have a whole lotta fun.
Chorus:
And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop's Afghanistan;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.

Come on generals, let's move fast;
Your big chance has come at last
Gotta go out and cut off their heads -
The only good Taliban's one that's dead
You know that peace can only be won
When we've blown 'em all to kingdom come.
[Chorus]
Come on Wall Street, don't move slow,
Why man, this is war au-go-go.
There's plenty good money to be made
Supplying the Army with the tools of the trade,
Just hope and pray that when the shit hits the fan,
It falls on the Taliban.
[Chorus]

Well come on now Tony Blair
President Bush and President Blair
There's elections to be won
Why not win it with a gun?
The northern alliance is so great
Probly make you head of state

Shoulder to shoulder united we stand
Led by Bush-es guiding hand
Osama bin laden can take the blame
Then we can start on saddam hussein
World domination is our right
Dunno how you can sleep at night.

Well Colin Powell says Camp X-ray
Sure ain't as bad as they say
The Geneva Convention's only for guidance
So they keep em chained in silence
Nobody dares raise their voice
For the sake of freedom of choice

And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I really can't say,
Next stop's Guantanamo Bay;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.

From Nancy Hey, December 10, 2001:

Fixin' To Die in Afghanistan

Well, come on all you macho men
Uncle Sam needs your help again.
He got himself in a terrible jam
With those darned soldiers of World Islam
So turn off the tube and grab a gas mask
Give Bush his big chance at last

Now it's 1,2,3 What are we fighting for?
It's about "United We Stand"
Next stop Afghanistan
And it's 5,6,7 Open up the Pearly Gates
Well, you're not supposed to question why
Muslims have to die.

Well, come on generals, don't be slow
Show off your weapons and earn lotsa dough
Use DU, and don't hold back
Like ya did in Kosovo & Iraq
Terrorists will only capitulate
If you make their land radiate

Now it's 1,2,3 What are we fighting for?
Bush's image don't you understand?
Next stop Afghanistan
And it's 5,6,7 Open up the Pearly Gates
There's no need to wonder why
Whoopee! They're all going to die.

Now come on Rumsfeld, you can't wait
To show the Muslims America's hate!
Comfort the grieving, but don't be lame
People want revenge done in their name
And retribution can only be done
When you blow them all to Kingdom Come

Now it's 1,2,3 What are we fighting for?
Bush says we gotta take a stand
Catch bin Laden in Afghanistan
And it's 5,6,7 Open up the Pearly Gates
There's no need to wonder why
Whoopee! They're all going to die.

Well, come on Wall Street, don't be slow
War will help the economy grow
There's plenty of good money to be made
By supplying Israel with the tools of the trade
And when they kill people in Palestine
Well, that's not really a crime

Now it's 1,2,3 What are we fighting for?
Overthrowing the Taliban
Next stop Afghanistan
And it's 5,6,7 Open up the Pearly Gates
There's no need to wonder why
Whoopee! They're all going to die.

Well, come on mothers, take a stand
Send your sons to Afghanistan
Come on fathers, don't be blue
But soon they'll draft your daughters too
Be the first one who can wave
Your flag over your child's grave

Now it's 1,2,3 What are we fighting for?
Well, the New World Order's so grand
Let's take it to Afghanistan!
And it's 5,6,7 Open up the Pearly Gates
There's no need to wonder why
Whoopee! They're all going to die.

From Paul Cohen.

For the latest installment of the 1000 year war I've updated that classic 60's "I-Feel-Like-I'm-Fixin'-To-Die Rag" by Country Joe McDonald. Instantly customisable to your particular religious and political alignment! Imagine if we all had the same anthem...now that's what I call globalisation!

This was inspired by the following snippet I came across recently (WW2 era?):

God heard the embattled nations sing and shout,
"Gott strafe England"-"God save the King"
"God this"-"God that"-and "God the other thing"
"My God," said God "I've got my work cut out."
-- J.C.Squire

"I-Feel-Like-I'm-Fixin'-To-Die Rag"
[Apologies to Country Joe McDonald]

Yeah, come on all of you, big strong men,
[Uncle Sam|Muhammad|spiritual/political leader of choice] needs your help again.
He's got himself in a terrible jam
Way down yonder in [Vietnam|Afghanistan|preferred enemy capital]
So put down your [books|bible|koran|preferred study/religious/political text] and pick up a gun,
We're gonna have a whole lotta fun.

And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for ?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is [Vietnam|Afghanistan|preferred enemy capital];
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the [pearly gates|preferred spiritual destination],
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.

Well, come on [generals|Mullahs|preferred political/religious leader], let's move fast;
Your big chance has come at last.
Gotta go out and get those [reds|towelheads|preferred enemy slang] —
The only good [commie|Extremist|Capitalist|preferred political/religious enemy] is the one who's dead
And you know that peace can only be won
When we've blown 'em all to kingdom come.

And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for ?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is [Vietnam|Afghanistan|preferred enemy capital];
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the [pearly gates|preferred spiritual destination] ,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.

Huh!

Well, come on [Wall Street|preferred money laundering service], don't move slow,
Why man, this is war au-go-go.
There's plenty good money to be made
By supplying the [Army|terrorists|freedom fighters|preferred customer] with the tools of the trade,
Just hope and pray that if they drop the bomb,
They drop it on the [Viet Cong|Taliban|preferred enemy target].

And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for ?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is [Vietnam|Afghanistan|preferred enemy capital].
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the [pearly gates|preferred spiritual destination],
Well there ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.

Well, come on mothers throughout the land,
Pack your boys off to [Vietnam|Afghanistan|preferred enemy capital].
Come on fathers, don't hesitate,
Send 'em off before it's too late.
Be the first one on your [block|preferred social unit]
To have your boy come home in a box.

And it's one, two, three
What are we fighting for ?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is [Vietnam|Afghanistan|preferred enemy capital].
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the [pearly gates|preferred spiritual destination],
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.

Posted by Miss Jooney

I shall shortly share with you MY topical "Fixin" parody. Gee what an ORIGINAL idea?!?! Before I do so, I'd like to jump in and also share my views. I've been anti-war all my life. I feel it's cowardly and despicable for these fat-cat national leaders to sit back and send 18 year olds to go out and get maimed and killed. But, and ESPECIALLY in the light of the enormity of the 9/11 attacks, are there REALLY Americans out there who believe that the persons responsible for this should not be punished in any way because it "brings us down to their level?" Sorry but that doesn't fly. Anyone who deliberately hurts/kills an innocent person deserves punishment; by the same token, great deeds need to be rewarded. I realize everyone is entitled to their own opinion but if (and I hope this never happens) someone murdered someone you loved would you shrug it off? If I was deliberately harmed and my family/friends had no desire to see the perpetrator punished, I'd feel twice betrayed. Ideally I'd like to see the evildoers brought to justice without sacrificing any more INNOCENT lives. How's THAT for a happy compromise?? Another thing I'd seen on this board that hurt me deeply is the rampant anti-Semitism openly displayed by some. There ARE some Jewish people reading this, myself included. I'm not sure this site was meant for racist comments, folks. Maybe you're secretly glad that some of the victims of last month's attacks were Jewish?? Anyway, here's my parody. Let's say I was half sarcastic! Oh-a disclaimer...I have absolutely nothing against gay people and my deepest apologies to any I may have inadvertantly offended. But, what else rhymes with "flags"??? Feel free to respond, people!

..Fixin' To Die Again Rag

On Tuesday nine one one oh one
The Taliban had a lot of fun
They trashed New York & The Pentagon
Thousands now are dead and gone
In a deed so foul & rotten
Cooked up by Mr. Bin Laden

CHORUS:

And it's 1,2,3, this is what we're fighting for!
Show your guts if you give a damn
Next stop, Afghanistan
And it's 5,6,7, open up the Pearly Gates
Well, there ain't no time to wonder why;
Whooppee! Those pigs will die!

So come on, all you big strong men;
Georgie Bush needs a helping hand
The call's going out all through the land
To kick the crap outta the Taliban!
So pray to Adonia, Allah or Jesus
You don't come home in a zillion pieces!

CHORUS

Let's kick us some Bin Laden butt;
Before they gas & poison us;
Shoot em' dead & bust their heads;
And dance as their blood runs bright bright red;
So stand up tall & wave your flags;
Let's stick it to the El Quaida fags!

CHORUS/Verse One/Chorus

Now come on all you big strong men,
Uncle Sam needs your help again.
The Taliban’s got theirself in a terrible jam,
Way down yonder in Afghanistan.
So lets go enlist and pick up a gun,
We’re gonna have a whole lotta fun

(chorus)
And it’s 1,2,3 we know what we’re fighting for,
You know were ready and planned,
Next stops Afghanistan
And it’s 5,6,7 lets go and devestate
Aint no time to wonder why their asses are gonna fry!

Come on congress don’t be slow,
Lets get this war a go-go-go.
Lets go tonight with an aerial raid,
With the Army’s tools of the trade.
Lets hope and pray that we drop the bomb,
They’ve been at this shit for way too long.

(chorus)

Come on Generals lets move fast,
Our big chance is here at last.
It’s time to go out and get those towel heads,
Cause the only good towel head is one that’s dead.
You know our peace can only be won
When we blow ‘em all to kingdom come.

(chorus)

Come on people throughout the land,
Lets support our president to Afghanistan.
Come on folks we can’t hesitate,
We gotta get Bin Laden before it’s too late.
We do it for America the land of the free,
To get rid of the camel jockeys.

(chorus)

I-FEEL-LIKE-WERE-GONNA-KICK-SOME-ASS-RAG

Now c'mon all you big strong men
America needs your help again
we got caught up in a terrorist jam
on the southern tip of Manhattan
so put down your laptops & pick up a gun
were goin to have a whole lotta fun!

CHORUS:

AND IT'S 1-2 3 WHAT ARE WE FIGHTIN FOR?
NOW IT'S FREEDOM & WE DO GIVE A DAMN!
NEXT STOP IS AFGANISTAN
AND ITS 5-6-7 OPEN UP HELL'S ONLY GATE
IT AINT NO TIME TO WONDER WHY,
BIN LADEN IS GOIN TO DIE!

C'mon Dubya let's move fast
your big chance is here at last
Gotta go & and get those crumbs
but first ya gotta get Bin Laden
You know that peace can only be won
when you blow them all to kingdom come

CHORUS

C'mon wall street forget the blow,
get on your feet it's time to grow
there's plenty good money to be made
just wait and see, we got it made in the shade.
Just hope & pray if they nuke the land,
they do it in Afghanistan

CHORUS

come on patriots throughout the land
support America, take a stand
come on folks, don't hesitate
were gonna kick ass, ain't that great?
be the first house on the block
to have a terrorist displayed in a box!

CHORUS

I Feel Like I'm Fixin' To Die Rag
New 2001 Version:

Come on all of you big strong men,
Uncle Sam needs your help again.
He's got himself in a terrible jam
Way down there in Afghanistan
So put down your books and pick up a gun,
We're gonna have a whole lotta fun.

Chorus:
And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is Afghanistan;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! They're all gonna die.

Huh!

Come on generals, let's move fast;
Your big chance has come at last.
Gotta go out and do our best -
Show 'em what happens when you anger the west.
You know that peace can only be won
When we've blown 'em all to kingdom come.
[Chorus]

Come on Wall Street, don't move slow,
Why man, this is war let's go go go..
There's plenty good money to be made
Supplying the Army with the tools of the trade,
Just hope and pray that if they drop the bomb,
They drop it on the Taliban.
[Chorus]

Come on mothers throughout the land,
Pack your boys off to Afghanistan.
Come on fathers, don't hesitate,
Send your sons off before it's too late.
You can be the first one on your block
To put a terrorist in a box.
[Chorus]

WHOOPEE! WE'RE ALL GONNA' DIE!

Did you hear what happened the other day?
Terrorists bombed half of New York away!
Says the CIA, this came out of the blue,
And our FBI was without a clue!
But our president is embarrassed and sore,
So we got to have us a war!

(Refrain):
And it's 1, 2, 3, what are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
The next stop is Afghanistan!
And it's 5, 6, 7, open up the pearly gates!
There ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! We're all gonna' die!

We looked for guidance from president Bush,
But he was busy trying to hide his toosh.
So his daddy quickly seized the reins,
And right away the CIA developed some brains!
From knowing nothing, they now claim they know it all,
And it's bin Laden who's gonna' take the fall.

(Refrain):
And it's 1, 2, 3, what are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
The next stop is Afghanistan!
And it's 5, 6, 7, open up the pearly gates!
There ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! We're all gonna' die!

Now, come on all of you big, strong men
Uncle Sam needs your help again!
Mothers and fathers, don't hesitate
Don't let your boys show up late!
Be the first one on your block
To have your son come home in a box!

(Refrain):
And it's 1, 2, 3, what are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
The next stop is Afghanistan!
Now it's 5, 6, 7, open up the pearly gates!
There ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! We're all gonna' die!

President George and VP Dick
Need to pay off their pals, and it must be quick!
Their campaign bills are coming due,
And the ones who will pay them are me and you!
Sure ain't the rich frat boys they expect to die,
So we can kiss the poor boys' asses goodbye!

(Refrain):
And it's 1, 2, 3, what are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
The next stop is Afghanistan!
And it's 5, 6, 7, open up the pearly gates!
There ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! We're all gonna' die!

Feel Like I'm Fixin' to Murder Rag
(apologies to Country Joe & the Fish)

Well come on all you big strong men
Uncle Sam needs your help again
Got himself in a terrible jam
Way down yonder in Afghanistan
Put down your mouse and pick up a gun
We're gonna have a whole lotta fun

Chorus:
And it's one, two, three, what are we waiting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn, next stop's Afghanistan
And it's five, six, seven, open up the Pearly Gates
Well there ain't no time to wonder why, whoopie they're all gonna die

Now come on Wall Street don't be slow
We gotta pay 'em back for their terror show
There is plenty of money to be made
Supplying the army with the tools of the trade
Just hope and pray they drop The Bomb
Drop it on Afghanistan

Chorus:
And it's one, two, three, what are we waiting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn, next stop's Afghanistan
And it's five, six, seven, open up the Pearly Gates
Well there ain't no time to wonder why, whoopie they're all gonna die

Well come on Generals let's move fast
Your big chance is here at last
Now you can go out and get Rag Heads
'Cos the only good 'Ghanni is one that's dead
And you know peace can only be won
When they blow 'em all to Kingdom Come

Chorus:
And it's one, two, three, what are we waiting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn, next stop's Afghanistan
And it's five, six, seven, open up the Pearly Gates
Well there ain't no time to wonder why, whoopie they're all gonna die

Now come on mothers through out the land
Pack your boys off to Afghanistan
Come on fathers don't hesitate
Send your sons off before it's too late
Be the first one on your block
To bring their ears back home in a box

Chorus:
And it's one, two, three, what are we waiting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn, next stop's Afghanistan
And it's five, six, seven, open up the Pearly Gates
Well there ain't no time to wonder why, whoopie they're all gonna die

My deepest sympathies and condolences to all Americans, and especially to those who lost loved ones to this dastardly and horrifically cruel act of barbarism. I, and I am sure all Canadians feel for you, and wish nothing but the safe recovery of survivors, and swift, brutal vengeance for those who died. As I pondered the scale of destruction, I realized that the largest injury sustained may have been to American morale. As such, I strung this song together. I realize that it is a little reactionary, and I wish to point out that we don't know who committed this act for certain. My words are such so as to make the song rhyme, and I in no way wish to imply that all Afghanis, Iraqis, and Muslims in general are evil. Without further ado:

THE ANTI-TERRORISM RAG

Well, come on all you women and men,
Uncle Sam needs your help again
Got himself in a terrible jam
With some screwed-up Arabs and the Taliban
So wipe off your tears and pick up a gun;
We're gonna make those bastards run!

And it's 1, 2, 3 what're we waiting for?
Don't ask me I don't give a damn,
Just nuke Afghanistan!
And it's 5, 6, 7 open up the Fiery Gates
Hell, there ain't no time to wonder why,
WHOOPEE!
bin Laden's gonna fry!

Well come on citizens, don't be slow
War is declared, so go go go!
There's great amends to be made
By killing the Tangos and ending their trade
Just hope and pray after dropping The Bomb
Those terrorist bastards are gone!

And it's 1, 2, 3 what're we waiting for?
Don't ask me I don't give a crap,
Let's just bomb Iraq!
And it's 5, 6, 7 open up the Fiery Gates
Hell, there ain't no time to feel sad
WHOOPEE!
We're gonna nuke Baghdad!

Come on generals, let's move fast!
Our big chance is here at last!
Let's find the bastards and take off their heads
'Cause the only good terrorist is one that's dead!
And you know that peace has got to be won,
Else they'll blow us all to kingdom come!

And it's 1, 2, 3 what're we waiting for?
Don't ask me I don't give a damn,
Let's nuke the Taliban!
And it's 5, 6, 7 open up the Fiery Gates!
Hell, there ain't no time to wonder why,
WHOOPEE!
Those f*ckers are gonna die!

PS: Some may point out that my facts are wrong, or that I finger the wrong group of people, or that the words don't rhyme too well. To them I say: Whaddya want? I'm a not-especially-gifted 16-year-old who hasn't played a musical instrument in his life, sings horribly, and isn't too well versed in Middle-Eastern religion/philosophy. If you can improve it, please do.

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